I Am Human, and I've Accepted It.

So, you may have noticed that there was a considerable amount of time between my last two posts, and now between this one and my most recent post. That is because I've written this post four times within the last several weeks. I haven't posted it because I've been trying to perfect it... That excuse might be absolutely hilarious to you once you finish reading this. :)

Many times I have found myself striving to be perfect. I'll push and push to be the best christian I can be and to be the perfect candidate to be used by God. It is my desire to be the best at everything I put my hand to. Anything less, I view as a personal and public display of failure. Harsh, I know. lol

I struggle to be perfect so that people will see me as someone more than average. I desire to please others because I truly do like to see people happy. But, if I'm being honest...I also partially want to please them so that they will think well of me and give me opportunities that lead to great things. Yes, I realize this is both selfish and pretty shallow. This is just one of the several negatives that I am in the midst of praying out of my life! (;

I desire so much for perfection, and yet, I hate everything about the word. I hate everything that the word stands for. I hate organization. I hate obeying the rules. I hate sparkly cleanliness. I hate coloring in the lines and wearing clothes that match. I hate straight lines, and I hate perfect paintings. Of all things in the world, perfection is probably the thing I despise the most. So why have I spent so many years striving for perfection? Why have I used my whole life to try to make others happy and to try to be a perfect saint?

I think God made me a certain way for a reason. And I think that the reason I haven't progressed and become the person I'm "supposed" to be is because I've been trying so hard to be something I am not yet capable of being. I've tried to force myself to color in the lines and to be a perfect person, when that's not really who I am yet. I'm still growing. I've gotten no where in life with the mindset that I will never be anything if I don't do everything correctly and perfectly now. Through recent prayer meetings, I've discovered a bit more understanding about God's love. He doesn't use people because they're perfect. He doesn't bless people and take them deeper spiritually because they have no faults. He uses and blesses them because they HAVE had struggles, and through it all, they keep on going. I don't feel that He requires perfection from me or anyone else. I think He requires love. If we were to be consumed by a deeper love for Him, it would be easy to do things right because our main goal would be to please Him...not because we forced that as our main goal, but because love does that to people. It makes you want to make the other person happy, and before you know it, you're doing whatever you can to please them without it being a chore.

I've always loved God. I love Him more than anybody or anything. I am truly in love with Him. But I think, personally, that if I/we were to focus more on learning about who He is and spent more time falling in love with Him ,that everything else would fall "perfectly" into place. I believe that this way, everyone could become that perfect person they're supposed to be in God. I refuse to continue trying to FORCE everything in my life to be perfectly right all the time. I am human and I've accepted it. I will do everything in my power to overcome things in this life. And...I will probably honestly never truly stop trying to be perfect. But instead of stressing over it and making it my main focus, I'm going to learn more about His love and let it consume me. You're welcome to try too, if this idea doesn't sound completely insane to you...or unless you're already a perfect person. In which case I am now extremely embarrassed and am asking you to delete this post from your brain. Thank you. :)

The Challenge

Lingering in His presence...I'm listening to their prayers. Could there be a more beautiful thing? I sit here, feeling finished with my devotion...and I hear the toungues of those annointed around me. There's so much love for every name brought before Him. So much beauty in the voices being moved with the Holy Ghost. I could sit and listen and soak in this annointing for hours. It's just the simplest prayers...the quietest talks with Jesus. Even though they belong to others, I am moved by His presence and love for them. I sit amazed as I hear the voice of my pastor...my youth pastor...other spiritual leaders. I want to cry...I want to weep in His presence. Instead, I'm lost in silent toungues as I am overtaken by this mighty annointing. These voices open my ears to the call to go deeper. I wish to be where they've been. I wish to be in his presence.

Then...I am overtaken by something else completely. Understanding is the only word that comes to me to express the type of liberation that slowly and deeply spreads through my core. Depth has fallen on my mind and I'm sucked into a deeper prayer than I can describe. Surrounded by love and power, I speak. I speak in words that I do not understand. I speak with a boldness I have felt before, only in times like this...and in an annointing that I never could comprehend. Intercession is poured into and out of me. My mind can't comprehend why I'm being allowed to pray/communicate like this. I don't understand why He chose to allow a lowly person like me to feel so large through His power, and so small in His arms at this one time. It is known to both of us that I am not worthy...yet He still pours out His annointing. He still pours out fresh and deeper understanding. He still allows me to be broken up and stirred inside. He pulls me together in ways I never would have imagined. I understand none of it, but, for a few moments, He allows me to understand it all. I am completely taken away. I am changed and I am used. I am challenged.