Dos Noches Ago :)

Internet is down, brain is on. There’s so much I want to write about. There’s so much and yet, there’s nothing. I feel that I should just constantly be writing and that somehow it would take me deeper into thought and spiritual reality than I have been. But then, I never know what to write about. If I do ever write, it always ends up being stuff like this pointless nonsense that I’m sharing with you now. It’s rare that I get a good thought…but sometimes it does happen. I love contradictory sentences...they’re so hard not to laugh at. Oh, so much in my life is contradictory….. Oops. I took a second to read what I wrote and now I forgot where my brain was going… Ugh! I did it again! I’m feeling a bit schizo tonight…I don’t think I like it, I’m trying to focus. I’m focusing on nothing because there’s nothing to focus on, but there’s so much to think about that I have to focus on something. There’s so much to LEARN. I don’t know why this random thirst for knowledge has been engulfing me lately…. Guess it’s my theme for the week…or something. Contradiction. It’s a wonderful word that causes discontent and confusion. I hate being confused…I’m okay with being lost…but I can’t stand being confused. I’m contradicting again. To quote a friend, “My mind is in a pretzel!” It’s not the kind with sugar and cinnamon on it either….it’s like an old, salty one that’s in the bottom of a trash can at the Paddock mall and has chewed 5gum stuck to it. ....Okay eww, my brains not that gross. It just gets twisted up and contorted weirdly every now and then…like a pretzel. I’ve made myself hungry. Obviously I’m a little scatterbrained tonight. At least I’m here. I like it here. It’s so comfortable and perfect. I’m exactly where Jesus wants me to be. It’s pretty great.
I feel like there needs to be something real said in this post…something that matters. What that thing should be though, I do not know. It’s a big deal to me for everything that I do to matter. I hate doing something for nothing. I want everything I do to have a purpose. I hate just using time to spend it. Though I waste time constantly, my desires *contradict* those actions. I want to be something; I want to affect someone or something. I don’t want my life, or anything in it, to be pointless. It’s like in prayer. I’m constantly telling God that I don’t want my time spent with Him to simply be time spent. I want it to be a time of growing and of giving of myself. I want it to mean something. I ask that it would mean everything, every time. Since I’ve prayed like that, I’m discontent with letting anything I do be without a legitimate purpose. That’s why I haven’t stopped typing…I’m waiting for my thoughts to finish pouring out so that I know what I’m thinking (That’s my purpose for writing.) Anyhow…God loves me…He loves you too. You should spend some time with Him….I need more time with Him. I mean...more than just time…okay you’ve read this far, you know what I mean. I think I’ll go chill with Him for a bit and tell Him how cool He is. Peace dawgs!