Broken Dreams for Freedom

Wow....you're not allowed to laugh at my cheesy, horribly unsuccessful rhyme scheme.

-Twas late one August evening, when she unfolded her broken dreams.

As she lie them out on the table, they created the most beautiful scene.

Dreams of love, dreams of the future, dreams of intensely wonderful things.

They were all but distant memories now,

nothing more than things to remenisce,

nothing that mattered to be seen.

They were beautiful because they were imaginary...

and the imagination is a beautiful place.

It's beauty reigns from it's impossibility, its hope, and it's glorious way of making greatness out of something fake.

The dreams that were thought so important were only memories that had been exchanged for what truly mattered.

Now they were beautifully broken, and she was left with the freedom of what was once unseen, this girl's blindness was seemingly shattered.

As she pondered over her broken dreams, she almost wondered... what could my life be.....if none of these things came to me?

Could she be more than what she was?
Though that was a possibility, she knew what truth beheld..

Before she could even wonder, her consciousness pointed out

that these beautifully shattered dreams were the source of what she would become.

Though painful and silly, these broken dreams made up more of her than she could tell.

You see, they created, from a monster, something more beautiful than love.

They created a person, who was free. They created someone who had enough sense to look above...

Enough sense to look above the things of this world....to look for more than ordinary, lifeless love. As she stroked her fingers over her broken dreams one last time, she exhaled.
Now that she knew there was more for her, it didn't matter what her past dreams entailed.

She looked onward, above, to the wonderful things to come.

And she smiled the most beautiful smile imaginable, as she folded her broken dreams back up.

She placed her folded, broken dreams back on the table.

Then she walked away....she knew she'd never need to return to that oh so beautiful fable.

My Heart's Truest Desires (Beyond the Abnormal)

I could never ask for a greater blessing...but I am.

I don't deserve more...but, He does.

Everything about Him is beautiful.

I want what He wants. I want to walk like He walks, and to talk like He does. I want to desire what His heart desires, and feel the things He feels. I want to live in what He thinks about. I don't want the things I've wanted my whole life anymore; I just want Him. I want everything there is to Him. I could never ask for more than what I already have...but, I am. I could never ask to go deeper than where He's already allowed me to go...but, I am. I could never ask to feel more love than what He's already shown me...but, I want more. I want it to consume me. I want to be consumed. I want to go beyod the normal. >Actually, I want to go beyond the abnormal.< The desired thing in church these days is to be abnormal and giant. I want to go beyond that...I want to be insane. I want to go deeper than what the everyday uncommon person goes. You have the normal christians who love God, go to church, and fit into a mold. Then you havet those who worship with their whole hearts, act a bit fanatic, and pray every day. Those are the ones that are striving to be different, or abnormal. I show them the highest respect. But, I want to be separated from even that. I want to be separated from the already separated. I don't want to mix in with the other abnormals. I want to be written off and ignored like a crazy person would be...I want to be alone. I want to go deeper than I can even imagine. I want to live underneath even the deepest part of praise, worship, and prayer. I want to go farther than simply being alone with Him. I want to be alone IN Him. I want to be intimate with Him, and to feel Him and audibly hear His voice in my ear. I want our hearts to be united and beat to the same rhythm. I want to be consumed, body, soul, mind, and spirit.I'm not just saying that to say it...I want all that I am to be everything He is. I want to be with Him, apart from everything else.

I almost wish I didn't have a human mind. I wish I could just always think about Him, and nothing else.I wish nothing else in the entire world ever mattered to me. Ultimately it doesn't, but I was created human; that comes with a love for this world and the people and things in it. But, I wish I didn't have to think about it. It's funny, even the good things in life seem to keep me at a distance from God. Emotions like happiness, excitement, joy, and love are blessings indeed, but they all take up a part of my mind that I wish could just consumed by Jesus. I'm so unbelievably thankful for every single thing in my life. All the blessings He's given me, the love He's allowed me to experience, and even the pain, I am thankful for. But sometimes, I wish I was just an angel. I mean they've got the sweetest setup! The only reason they were created is to love God. Their only purpose is to worship and serve Him wih everything they are. They don't have the choice not to...and they don't desire that choice. I sometimes wish I didn't have a choice. I know that we're ultimately created for the same reasons as angels...but, we have to chose to do it. We have to make a choice every day to do exactly what God wants. I wish He would just take control of me and force me to live like He wants me to. In my heart, I want to. I want nothing more than to live for the purpose of holding God's hand, and to never think about anything else. But, it's a fight every dayto stay close to Him. It would be easier if He would just take control and make me into the person I feel inside my heart. But, He's a gentleman...and He gives us the opportunity to become that on our own. I love my Jesus. I just want to be more in love with Him. I want to be lost in Him every day, and I want to get so lost in prayer that I never find my way back. I want to get so deep, that I can't even see the world. I want to go so far, that I can't even see human love. All I want to see is what He sees and to love is what He loves. I want this for everybody. I want us to be where all we can do is what He wants to do! I don't wanna have a choice, I just wanna be in Him. I want us to fall so far in love with Jesus...that all of this becomes a complete reality in our lives. I want to be more passionate. I want us to love people how He loves people, not how our flesh loves people.I want us to operate and reach out in what He wants, not what we want. Help us to be passionate. Let us have the desire to go beyond even the abnormal. In Jesus name.

Beautiful Insanity.

Tomorrow is my last, first day of high school! :( I'm officially a SENIOR!!!! I feel so cool and awesome and stuff.. It's great.
I've been going deeper in prayer lately. There's something new in the atmosphere that's pushing me to go towards more. New realms have been opening up for me and my youth group. Supernatural experiences are occuring...and it's incredible. I want to write everything that's happened, but I don't think there are words sufficient enough to describe it. So much power is being installed into my proximity. So much love is being poured out. The only way I can think to describe what's going on is "beautiful insanity". It's so beautiful, the things that God is doing...and it's absolutely insane to think that He's doing it with me. He's showing me things.. He's telling me things.. He's teaching me how to be real. I'm having amazing things revealed to me...and I'm almost jealous of myself for being so blessed. Why did God choose me to have the opportunity to be in His presence? I'm amazed that He's letting me live the life of someone that gets to walk with Him. There's so many emotions inside me, I feel like I'm going to explode all over this paper! It's good emotion...insane emotion. I've decided to let myself be known as a crazy person. There's nothing like insanity...craziness...retardism! I'm most free when I allow myself to act a bit manic. It's quite intensifying when it comes to Jesus stuff. Really...it makes everything more intense and awesome. :) I love it. Life in general is just better when you're stupid. You have more fun...you experience better things. It makes everything "ROCK!" in my eyes. Life's a joy when you let it all go. Be stupid. Be insane. It's worth it in everyway...

The Irony.

Have you ever noticed that those who are different want more than anything to be like everybody else? It's funny because those who easily fit into a mold usually get bored and desire to be different. It's quite ironic. Nobody in pentecost wants to be normal....but everybody wants to have friends who are just like them. We all want to "stand out" and be different....but we never want to be alone. We all want somebody to bring us happiness...we all want to feel love. But, we never trust God enough to lead us to the true love that's found in Him...because that path is lonely. I know it's easy to love God...He's amazing. But, it's a whole different story when you fall IN love with Him...and become completely consumed. That's where you find true love. That alone, is the place where you can find joy that's pure. It almost sounds cheesy...butit really is everlasting. There aren't sufficient words to describe what it really is to be lost in love with Jesus. No matter how long I typed, I could never explain toyou the deepness and the realness that lies in time spent with Him. I don't claim to be super spiritual or to know all there is about being in a relationship with Him. What I do know, is that it's worth it. It's more than just the words you hear preachers say....it's more than just what we say it is. It's real. Sometimes I think we take for granted, the stories we hear about the joys of prayer. It's a true revelation to experience deepness for yourself. When it becomes real to you...nothing will be the same. I'm tired of just listening to people talk about getting into a relationship with God. I'm tired of hearing all the lists of things you have to do to get close to Him....things like fasting, praying reading everyday. I know all these things are necessary. I feel sobad that we have to constantlyhave people pushing us for this! Why can't we just get a hold of it for ourselves and realy go after it because we want it...not just because we're told it'll benefit us. I wish we could understand for ourselves. I wish I could understand more formyself. I wish I could keep writing...I have to go. I've decided to give it all. Those words almost sound meaningless....they've been said by so many so many times, including myself. Maybe I should backspace it all so it's not jinxed....no, I don't have time. Whatever. :) Praise Cheesus.

What to Write, What to Write....No Masks!

It's 2:48 a.m. on August tenth two thousand eleven. I'm sitting here with my laptop trying to think of what I should write about....I like writing. :) I was going to transfer another old document I found on here, but I don't feel like remembering anything right now. Not that it's bad memories...the document was about something very good that happened in my life. I just don't feel like living in the past tonight... I want to talk about something fresh. Like Subway. Not really, I don't want to talk about Subway... Well, I didn't, but now I'm thinking about it and it's making me hungry. Anyways. Freshness. :) My new theme lately has been one of "No Masks". I'm realizing how much of our lives we as humans mask. It's not always done intentionally...but it's done constantly nonetheless. Geeze... I almost feel like I'm wearing a mask now. See, I told a few more people about my blog, and now I can't help but think about what you guys are thinking about it what I write. It affects the way I bring my thoughts accross when I know somebody might read my words. I generally like to keep my "deepness" and emotions in my head...away from prying eyes...or ears. But anyways, if you read this, pray against that for me and lets hope together that I have the courage to continue to really be me while I write. 'Cause after all...this isn't for you. It's for me...and Jesus. :)) Back to my "No Masks". I hate being around people who aren't comfortable in their own skin. I can tell when certain people have secrets or don't feel like they can really let out their inner personalities in public. A lot of times I think people are just shy. I think some people are just ashamed...of what, I don't know. I think it's silly to hide any part of you. But, I know I do it too. Even after I realized how much I hate masks, I've caught myself living behind one. I usually slap myself out of it, but I will admit that it does still happen. I like being free...no thoughts of others...no restraints. I loveee being myself. It's really hard to do that sometimes. If you've read my previous posts, it's obvious that I've been loosed from some weights. Since then, it's been easier to be myself. I'm not constantly thinking about one thing anymore...my mind can do what it wants and my heart can easily follow the path God wants it to follow. It's so incredibly liberating. I wish there were words to explain the dramatic feeling of completely losing yourself in your hearts truest, deepest desires. That's what comes when you're TRULY yourself. When you have no masks...you're free in every way. I keep catching myself thinking while I'm at church...wondering who's watching me. I worship when I'm with Jesus. I guess it's a natural thing to think about what people around you think when you do that? I definitely don't worry about them thinking I look crazy...I've given up on that. lol. Now, I just think about others thinking that I do what I do for show. I worry about the people that know of my recent past and I wonder if they're thinking I'm being fake. Those thoughts impact me greatly and make me want to slow down....then I realize that by slowing down, I'm just giving into a mask. Part of me tells me that when I slow down, I will show the others that I'm actually humble...or something. I constantly have to remind myself that it doesn't matter. I'm not out there for them at all anyways, so why do I care if they think I'm doing it for show? I have to ask God to take away every mask and to let me worship and pray and live according to exactly what He's making me feel in my heart. It's an extremely difficult thing to do, but acting 100% by what you feel (when it comes to anything good or related to Jesus) is the most rewarding thing you could ever allow yourself to do. It opens up realms and shows places of desire in your heart that you didn't even know about...it opens up the real you, and for me, I realized how much I love to worship. I realized how much I truly love God and being in His presence. By simply not caring, I learned that I've never cared about anything more than what my heart truly loves - Jesus. I learned that when I fell in love with other things...and became sightly distant from God, I never fell out of love with Him. By having no masks in my spiritual life, I'm free. It's incredible...it's beyond incredible. It's freedom, plain and simple.
By having no masks socially, I've made so many new friends and I've deeper connections with my old ones. There's certain people that I have been involved in situations with that my flesh tells me I shouldn't like, or that I should even hate a little. If I had a mask on...I'd do just that. By not holding back the truth, I show myself, that I really don't care. My heart's not really angry and I don't really hate anybody. By being who I am in my heart, I'm free from all conflict. Well...currently anyhow. lol. Living with no masks is a wonderful life...the entire universe should take my advice. :)